Lord of the Clings
by Tahl Jedi Paradox
Summary: The missing chapter is now here! Huzzah! Do read.
1. In Which the Mission is Given To Our Inf...

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Lord of the Clings: the Tale of the Queen of Saran Wrap

By: Who Else but the Narrator

Once upon a time, in a beautiful land called the Mire in Bottom Earth, there lived a somewhat short person named Lindo Bakkins, who had a somewhat short grandmother, Milda Bakkins. Lindo owned a somewhat short dog that was strangely intelligent enough to converse, and yet extremely stupid. He mostly talked about bacon-flavored kibble. He was called Taffy.

Lindo lived in a similarly short hill, which she called Bake End. It had a square purple door and lots of chandeliers so taller people would frequently bang their heads on them.

It was going to be Milda's 90th birthday soon, so Lindo bought her a large bottle of scotch and wrapped it up in shiny purple paper.

Taffy came up to Lindo. "I wanna eat kibble."

"Good for you. Go away now; I need to think."

"About what?"

"Stuff."

Disgusted, Taffy trotted off.

__

Ding-dong. The doorbell's annoying ring rang.

Lindo went to answer it. "Yeah?"

A rather much taller person was swatting at grasshoppers that kept coming off the roof. "Go away! Leave me alone!" She squished one with her long staff.

Lindo, obeying the command, shut the door.

"No, not you," the visiting person shouted in desperation.

Lindo opened the door again. "Be more specific."

The person shrugged. "I was referring to the grasshoppers."

"Oh, well. C'mon in, Jandalf."

She ducked low to get into the door. "What's with you guys' decor?"

"To keep unwanted verticals out." Lindo and the other Bakkins referred to tall people as verticals.

"Wow, thanks."

"So, why'd you drop in?"

Jandalf shrugged. "Stuff."

"And?"

"Mission."

"About what?"

"We have to sit down first. And make death crispies of **DOOM**. Otherwise, I'm not talking."

"Fine by me. I've got some left from yesterday anyways."

"OK."

So the two friends sat, talked vaguely for a while, and ate chocolaty chocolaty death crispies of Otherwise, **DOOM**. Then, unfortunately, Jandalf had to get a bit serious. Well, kind of serious, anyway.

"Guess what, Lindo."

"What?"

"That's what."

"Shut up."

"OK."

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

"You know," said Lindo, "I didn't mean THAT way."

"Ah. You should have been-"

"More specific. Get on with it."

"OK. Where was I?"

"AHEM."

"Right. So, what I was going to say was, your grandmother has something in her possession that belongs to the dark lord Sore-on-my-head."

"What is it?"

"A Sony remote control."

"Huh? Why's this important?"

"Well, one day, Sore-on-my-head was flipping channels randomly when elves bombarded his home theatre, duct-taped him to the wall, and took his remote control because their cable had been cut off. What they hoped to accomplish by this, I'll never know." She sighed. "Minions of Xendor. But anyway, Sore-on-my-head was left taped to the wall, with the TV eternally stuck on WTN."

Lindo shuddered. "Poor guy."

"That's not the point. So, somehow the elves lost the remote and a Mexican mama found it in the Forest of Crazy Doom. Then, Milda, your grandma, ambushed the Mexican mama because she had run out of scotch while in the vicinity. Finding none, she took a bottle of Pepsi, four boxes of chocolates, and the remote, for the heck of it. So, she has no idea who it belongs to, or how important it is to Sore-on-my-head."

"So? What can Sore-on-my-head do? He's duct-taped to the wall."

"Well, they guy's got minions, you know."

"But I want minions."

"Yes, but that doesn't matter right now-"

"What has all this got to do with me?"

"Wait, okay?" Jandalf was getting quite ticked off. "By the minions of Xendor. Just shut up and listen."

"Fine. Yeesh."

"Quiche," Jandalf replied.

"Feesh," Lindo shot back.

"Meesh."

"Heesh," Lindo giggled.

"Why are we doing this?"

"Ehh-uhh."

Jandalf sighed. "So, the dude's got minions. They include some of the universe's most hated celebrity figures…"

"Martha Stewart," said Lindo suddenly.

"Yes, she's one of nine. The others are Michael Jackson, Big Bird, Cap'n Crunch, Don Cherry, Jar Jar Binks, Elvis Presley-"

"But he's dead."

"Not anymore."

"Uh-oh."

"The remaining two are the Olson twins."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!"

Jandalf nodded sympathetically. "My thoughts exactly."

"What do I have to do?"

"You've got to get the remote back to Sore-on-my-head before he decides he's had enough and orders his minions to kill everyone in Bottom Earth. You wouldn't want to be slaughtered by Martha Stewart, would you?"

"I'm going."

The next day was Milda's birthday party. All the people of the Mire had gotten together to bake an enormous gargantuan and very huge birthday cake to fit all 90 candles on.

While Milda attempted to blow out all the candles, Lindo sneaked away to look for the remote.

Milda's house wasn't extremely large, but it was quite messy. Lindo looked desperately around, then…

She saw the remote! 

Unfortunately, as she got closer, she saw it was sitting in a half-full (or half-empty) glass of some kind of alcoholic mixture. Milda had been using the remote as a stir-stick for 42 years. The electronic object was encrusted with dried Pepsi.

"Oh, no," groaned Lindo, picturing how the Olson twins would destroy the Mire.

Suddenly she got an idea. "I'll just buy the guy another remote."

So she ran outside to get some cake, give Jandalf the scoop and make a rendezvous for batteries, rent a motorcycle, and go off to the nearest Radioshack as soon as she had given her grandmother the scotch.

When she got there, no one was to be seen in the store except for a lone clerk, sitting by the counter and watching a Star Wars DVD for the 152763rd time. The clerk even had the volume turned off, and was talking for the characters. And inanimate objects…

"_Hyyyeeeeeeee. Stoopid hedds in mye hedd, givin' mee a mygrane."_

Lindo walked up to the extremely bored employee, who saw Lindo, gasped, and jumped up, so her chair went flying across the room. "A CUSTOMER!!! I'M SAVED!!!!! WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! How may I help you?" she asked enthusiastically. 

"Uhh…" Lindo scratched her head. "I need a programmable Sony remote."

The clerk grinned. "Oh, we've got lots and lots and lots and lots…"

"So, can I have one?"

"Sure!" The clerk piled hundreds on the counter.

Lindo picked one out of the pile and took out her card.

The clerk got the ringer-in-thingie ready. "I haven't seen a customer in sooooo long."

"I gathered that," Lindo commented, then went on to a subject completely off-topic. "Times just aren't what they used to be."

"You're telling me," the clerk agreed. "I used to be royalty. Ruled over the Land of the Crazy Doomed People. You know, where the Forest of Crazy Doom is. Then, some Mexican mama went on a rampage cuz her remote or something was missing, and ruined my castle. So I've gotta work here until I have enough money to rebuild my castle."

"How did one Mexican mama wreck a castle?"

"Well…we didn't have much of a budget…actually, it was cardboard."

"All of it?"

"Um, yeah. Oh, and some Styrofoam, and saran wrap for the windows."

"Uh-huh. I'd suggest something harder next time, like mud."

The clerk brightened up. "That's a great idea! But what if it rains?"

Lindo shrugged. "I didn't say it was foolproof."

"Yeah."

They stood in silence while the ringer-in-thingie connected. 

"Okay," Lindo took the remote, "bye."

"Bye," said the clerk, rather mournfully.

Lindo had just gotten on her motorcycle outside when the clerk ran up. "Wait!!!!"

"What?"

"You forgot your receipt."

"Oh."

The clerk handed the receipt to Lindo, and began walking back in.

Lindo started up the motorcycle.

"Wait!!!!!!!!!!" the clerk yelled again, turning around.

"What?"

"Can I come with you?"

"Well…I guess."

"Yessss!!!!" she exclaimed, ripping off her nametag and hopping on behind Lindo, who was at the moment thinking, _This is gonna be a long trip._

"So," said the clerk while they were on the highway, "what's your name?"

"Lindo Bakkins."

"I'm Chelsegorn."

"Uh-huh."

"I've never been on a motorcycle before," Chelsegorn said excitedly.

"Uh-huh."

"Hey, what's that over there?"

"Ehh-uhh," Lindo shrugged unenthusiastically.

"You sure are short."

This time, Lindo didn't even grunt, but kept on driving, trying to block out Chelsegorn's incessant questions.


	2. In Which Jandalf Looks for Batteries, Co...

Um, I forgot the disclaimer for chapter 1, so here it is.

Disclaimer: anything that notably belongs to anyone else in the past, present, and future of this fanfic is NOT MINE. 

Anyhoo, here we go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, Jandalf had somehow hitched a ride with a sparrow, and was looking for some batteries for Lindo's newly purchased remote. Both of them had completely missed the fact that Radioshack sold batteries. Oh, well.

"Hey, Fred," she yelled up at the sparrow that was flying her over the mountains.

"Chirp?" said Fred.

"I need to make a stop down there." She pointed at a reeeeeeeeaaally tall building.

Fred chirped in awe.

"Yeah. A friend of mine lives there."

Down in the reeeeeaaaally tall building, Jandalf's friend, another wizard, who was called Mikumon, was busily tie-dying her latest white shirt, when Jandalf dropped in.

Literally. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-" Splat.

Mikumon ran over. "Jandalf? Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Jandalf stood up, perfectly unharmed. One of the benefits of being a wizard. "Nice shirt."

"Thanks. But I ran out of yellow yesterday."

"Oh. Too bad. Well, I was looking for four AA batteries…do you have any?"

"Oh, yeah, right upstairs."

"How far?"

"Um…152763 stories up, I think that's my unused battery floor. 152762 is for the dead batteries."

"Uh-huh. Anyway, thanks."

"Yup."

Jandalf began the long journey up.

Mikumon absently closed the door, to keep the drafts of the staircases out of the room. Besides that, she didn't particularly enjoy bats getting into her dye.

Quite a few hours later…

Jandalf staggered wearily up the stairs, wondering why Mikumon didn't have an elevator. Or at least an escalator. "Yeesh. Minions of Xendor."

By this time, she had smacked 152763 bats with her staff and was getting rather irritated. 

Finally, she reached the 152763rd floor, panting heavily. "Why do they have to make these capes so @#^@#!!$! heavy?"

She wrestled with the rather old doorknob, then finally got it open. 

The entire room was filled with unopened battery packages. All labeled Radioshack.

Jandalf smacked her forehead and groaned. "I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. By all the minions of Xendor. What luck."

But she gathered up a few packages anyway and turned to leave.

The door was shut.

She wrestled with it, pounded on it, pummeled it with batteries.

It wouldn't open.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed, then fainted from lack of oxygen.

Lindo and Chelsegorn were still cruising the highway.

_Putt-putt-putt-putt. The motorcycle coughed, gasped, sneezed, and ran out of gas._

"Crud!" Lindo yelled.

Taffy, pursuing them for 152763 miles now, finally caught up. "I want KIBBLES!!"

"Shut up, we ran out of gas."

Chelsegorn suddenly sat up straight and looked around anxiously.

Lindo looked up at her. "What's up?"

"Me! Heeheeheeeee!"

Lindo scowled darkly, being short.

"Sorry," Chelsegorn said. "Anyway, I think I smell cookies."

"Cookies?"

"Small, low-fat cookies."

They both gasped and said simultaneously, "Martha Stewart!"

"We gotta get out of here!" Lindo looked around frantically for any sign of a gas station.

Chelsegorn saw a very large and bare hill. "Ooh, let's go there! We'll be able to see her for miles!"

"Chelsegorn, SHE'LL be able to see US for miles."

"Oh. Uh, then let's go into the Forest of Crazy Doom."

"Are you crazy?"

"Duh."

"Right. Well, whatever works."

"Besides, I know the Forest like the back of my third left hand!"

"Huh?" 

"Umm…nothing."

"Chelsegorn?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you have GPS?"

"No."

"We're doomed," groaned Lindo.

"Yay!"

"I want KIBBLE!" screamed Taffy.

"Taffy! **SHUT UP! YOU'RE BEING TOO LOUD! DO YOU WANT HER TO HEAR US?!!!!!!??!?!?!?!?!"**

"Sorry."

"Oops."

Small, black, hard, low-fat cookies hurtled out of the bush toward them. 

One hit Chelsegorn in the head, knocking her out.

Lindo ducked behind her motorcycle and thought frantically, then hitched a saddle onto Taffy, got on with the limp Chelsegorn, and rode off into the Forest of Crazy Doom, Martha Stewart in hot pursuit.

She was a ridiculously frightening sight. She had the whole black cape Goth thing, with the black horse. She carried her custom-made Icky Icky Cookie Shooter of Doom, and a perfectly coiled garden hose.

Lindo was about to make Taffy climb a tree when Chelsegorn woke up and yelled.

This startled Taffy, who yelped and fell off the tree, landing on the ground, which was about 2 inches away.

Martha caught up. She whipped out her garden hose and lashed out at the three travelers, seeking the remote.

Lindo, tangled in the hose, pulled out the remote and pressed _pause._

Martha froze in midair.

"Yessssss!!!!" Lindo crowed, then said, "Odd. It doesn't have any batteries."

"Oh," said Martha, and unfroze.

"NOOOOO," yelled Lindo. "Why do I have to be so smart?"

More coming up soon!! 


	3. In Which Jandalf Goes to Visit Mikumon f...

OK, OK, I'm sorry. I forgot to put this in earlier. INFO on Katrinolas coming right up…

A bat flew up to the 152763rd floor; it had heard something.

A voice came from inside. "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen, nobody knows my sorrow…"

Then the voice got bored, and started on in a low voice, "There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza, there's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, there's a hole." Her voice switched higher. "Then fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry, then fix it dear Henry, dear Henry, fix it." Lower. "With what shall I fix it, dear Liza, dear Liza, with what shall I fix it, dear Liza, with what?"

Then, Jandalf forgot the words, but continued on with the same tune, except…

"Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon, watermelon…"

Then she lost it. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!"

Mikumon, having tie-dyed her 152763rd shirt, wondered what was taking Jandalf so very long. So she went up to look.

Hours later, Jandalf sat dazedly on the floor when there was a knock at the door.

"I'd answer it," she called, "but it's locked."

"Oh," said Mikumon, "so that's what took you. Don't you have your staff with you?"

"Oh. Yeah." Then she sighed heavily at the irony of it all ("Minions of Xendor.") , and vanished with a sound that sounded awfully like 152763 people saying Poof.

And she reappeared downstairs, in one of the vats of dye.

__

Splash!

Mikumon came down in a poof as well and saw Jandalf ruefully climbing out of a vat. She was completely orange.

"Great," she declared. "What a day. Can't find batteries, then I get locked in with batteries, then I go crazy, then I go orangy. Gotta work on magically locating good objects that are SOLID to land on. By all Xendor's minions."

Mikumon, deciding Jandalf had finally cracked, tried to wring as much of the dye out of Jandalf's cape as possible, not wanting to waste any.

Then, Jandalf and Mikumon died.

Oops. Uhh…wait…(processing…processing…) *ding* Ahh, there we go. They didn't die as in perish, they were only covered in coloration stuff…

(^^) (^^) (^^) (^^) (^^) WAHOOOOO!!!!!!!!! YODA CLONES!!!!

Ahem.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………Pretty pretty dots! Dotty dotties!!

__

Attention: the narrator has officially gone wacko. The thought of an entire world of dead-but-not-quite people has somehow wormed into the narrator's brain, wreaking absolute havoc. More later, after we go to Jik Skunkhead for the weather.

Ahemhemhemm.

I'm BAAAAAACK!!!

Those pills take effect real quick, don't they?

Wait……walls……closing in……can't take it……YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

__

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. *staticstatic*

(^^):

Mmmhmmhmmhmmm. No narrator have you, so substituting I am.

Yes, Yoda it is. Mmmhmmhmmmhmmmm!!!

Now. Back to the story we will go. Yes, mmm…

So. In the tower Mikumon and Jandalf were. Very orange Jandalf was, yes.

Stood up straight, Jandalf did. "Wait a minute. Yoda?"

Burhurrhurrhurrhurrhurr!!!!!

"What the heck do you think you're doing?!"

Narrating I am! Fun this is. Do things like this on Dagobah, you cannot.

"Huh?" Left in the dust Mikumon was by my garbled speech. Mmmhmmhmmm!!

"Yoda?"

Yes?

"I'm sure you like trying out your narration skills, but…well…I'll put it this way: they're limited."

Bur! Have appreciation for my attempts, you do not.

"That's not what I was trying to say-"

No! No try. Do, or do not.

"SHUT UP!" both wizards yelled. Hi, it's your old narrator, kicking in again. The walls have expanded and I'm back to my normal hysterical self.

Yoda: No, nooo. Having fun I was. (pouts)

Go away, you green big-eared tree stump.

Suddenly, Yoda disappeared with a noise something like 152763 people saying *ka-vamm*.

"Yes! I am successful." Jandalf lowered her orange staff. 

"Where'd you ka-vamm him to?"

"Coruscant. I think."

Then, Jandalf remembered her mission. "I gotta go." *ka-vamm*

Mikumon shrugged and took out another white shirt.

Martha sneaked around the tree and pounced…on a yard gnome.

"Curses!" she screamed. "That gnome was just the size of that Bakkins girl. And now I'm out of small black hard low-fat cookies." She looked around despairingly, then left.

Lindo groaned. She had been acting like a yard gnome, hoping Stewart wouldn't notice her. Fortunately, Martha was quite blind from all that cookie smoke.

Chelsegorn dropped out of the tree happily. "That went well."

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhh," threatened Lindo.

Rrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhh, went Taffy's stomach.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!!!" yelled Chelsegorn as an arrow narrowly missed her head and thunked into the tree.

"Sorry," called an elf not far off, "I thought you were one of those evil minion people."

Lindo thought of having some fun and claiming that she was, except for the fact that the elf had some sharp-looking arrows. "No, we're mostly perfectly harmless."

"I want kibble," Taffy complained.

The elf walked up and pulled her arrow out of the tree.

Chelsegorn stared at her. "Hi."

"Hi," the elf responded curiously. "What are you guys doing in the Forest of Crazy Doom?"

"I own it," Chelsegorn said anxiously.

"Then you must be her Royal Doomed Highness Queen Chelsegorn."

"Uh...yup. You missed the 'Exaltedness' part, though."

"I'm Katrinolas, from Canyon With a Muddy Trickle."

"How do you shoot so good?" asked Chelsegorn.

"With a bow and arrow."

They all nodded wisely at this typical example of elf logic.

Katrinolas sighed. "I've been wandering in this forest ever since my group got killed off. Our cable at Canyon With a Muddy Trickle had been cut, so our ruler guy made a few of us look for the place where we get our cable from, since we don't have a phone line. We came across this really nice house, all painted black, and went in. This guy was flipping channels, so, a couple of us, caught up in revenge, duct-taped him to the wall. I took his remote as a souvenir, and we kept searching. Then, these two girls ambushed us a few weeks later. Turns out they were the Olson twins. Anyway, they managed to kill everyone except me with paintball guns that were actually shooting nail polish. I ran for my elfish life, of course."

"What happened to the remote?" asked Lindo.

"I must've dropped it somewhere," answered Katrinolas. "But it doesn't matter right now."

"Yes, it does," yelled Lindo and Chelsegorn simultaneously.

"Why?"

Lindo told her the whole story.

Many blah-blah-blahs later...

"Wow," she said thoughtfully. "It's probably a good thing for me that I dropped the remote."

"Uh-huh," said Lindo. "But anyway, we've got to get to the other side of the Forest of Crazy Doom as soon as possible. Jandalf might already be there."

"Wait," said Chelsegorn. "I've got a quicker way than walking."

"What is it?"

"Go-karts," she replied happily. "They're stored in the biggest tree in the Forest."

"Can you get them for us?" asked Lindo impatiently.

"Yup. Only I know the access code. Follow me."

YAAHHH!!!!!! This is so fun.


	4. In Which Our Heroines Vainly Attempt to ...

And some more!!!

_________________________________________________________________

Chelsegorn stopped at the base of an extremely narrow tree. "Funny. I remember it being narrower. Oh, well."

Lindo eyed the tree critically. It couldn't have been more than two inches wide. "Go-karts, you say?"

"Yup." Chelsegorn began tapping different parts of the bark. Then she stopped, leaned back, and waited.

A friendly computer voice came from within the tree. "Two taps have been mixed up. Please try again."

"Stupid code." Chelsegorn did the whole thing all over again.

This time, it worked.

The tree opened two little bark doors at the bottom and began spewing go-karts, which were just the size they needed, amazingly.

Katrinolas blinked, quite sure she had just seen a conjuring illusion of some kind.

Lindo decided not to ask any questions and found a perfectly sized kart for herself. 

Taffy got a little kart that, to his joy, looked like a big piece of kibble.

Chelsegorn hopped into her own kart and started it up. "Come on! Race ya!"

They raced off into the Forest of Crazy Doom, dodging crazy doomed trees and crazy doomed bushes, and kicking up a lot of crazy doomed dirt.

Jandalf waited impatiently on a crazy doomed tree stump just outside the Forest of Crazy Doom. She was still bright orange. "Minions of Xendor, where are they?"

Four go-karts, one of them looking mysteriously like a kibble, sped out of the Forest.

Jandalf stood up on the crazy doomed stump and waved her orange arms.

The others noticed her right away, due to the color, and headed for her.

She stood in puzzlement as they raced toward her, not slowing down. Then she yelled, turned, and ran.

Those in the karts were caught up in the action and accelerated madly. 

Jandalf ran until her cape snagged on a crazy doomed root, then she wildly waved her staff and vanished. "Minions of Xen…"

*kavamm* She appeared beside Lindo in Lindo's kart. "…dor. How're you doing?"

"Not bad, you?"

"Orange today. Here's your batteries and a few dozen extra."

"Thanks."

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"That's what."

"SHUT UP!!"

"OK."

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

"You know what I mean," shouted Lindo, quite exasperated.

"Yeah. But what I was going to say was, they sell batteries at Radioshack."

"YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" screamed Lindo, steering away from a tree. "ALL THAT FOR NOTHING?!!??!!!"

"They come in triple A's, too," Chelsegorn shouted across at her.

Then, a cliff suddenly loomed up and all of the go-karts whizzed off the edge.

Meanwhile in the reeeeeaaaally tall tower, Mikumon went into a different room while her shirts were drying.

In the center of the circular room was a spherical, dark purple object with three holes in the form of a triangle on the side.

Mikumon smiled happily and lifted the Bowling Ball of Doom off the pedestal. It glistened in the light, showing off its pretty swirly patterns. 

Other than that, it was completely inanimate. Mikumon sighed, getting bored, and put it back on the pedestal.

Meanwhile, deep in the heart of the Forest of Crazy Doom, seven horrible things met.

Don Cherry waved his hands around in articulate gestures for no apparent reason.

Big Bird attempted to eat pine needles and choked.

Michael Jackson tugged at his nose, thinking, _I've got to make it thinner._

Martha Stewart loaded her Icky Icky Cookie Shooter of Doom.

Cap'n Crunch made some unearthly sounding crunching noises.

Elvis hummed "Jailhouse Rock".

Jar Jar Binks looked for any means of a pond.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson came running up.

"We saw them," they panted.

"Where?" Don Cherry asked.

"They drove off a cliff in go-karts," Mary-Kate replied.

"And it was really high," added Ashley.

"Then we've got to go to the cliff," choked Big Bird, and coughed up some needles.

"Why?" asked Michael Jackson.

"To get the remote, obviously," said Cap'n Crunch, and crunched some more.

"Then," said Elvis, running his hand through his big hair, "let's go get it."

"Good plan," said Big Bird. *cough* *hack*

"Thank-you-very-much."

The five travelers lay groaning on the valley floor.

"Ow," said Lindo.

"Minions of Xendor," said Jandalf.

"Let's do that again!" said Chelsegorn.

"Let's not," said Katrinolas.

"Kibble!" said Taffy, and tried to eat his go-kart.

"Stupid dog," muttered Lindo. 

Jandalf pushed herself up with her staff. "Let's keep going. We shouldn't stay here too long."

"Why?" they asked.

"The go-karts aren't really going to work," added Chelsegorn.

"We have to leave before the nine terrible horror things come."

"Oh, right." They got up.

Katrinolas noticed a small object come sailing over the cliff. It looked rectangular and red.

Jandalf gasped. "Uh-oh."

It was a Cap'n Crunch cereal killer box. It landed on the ground beside them. They all shielded their faces.

BBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!! It exploded, sending pellets of cereal everywhere.

"Run away," Chelsegorn yelled, Camelot style.

Thinking this was good advice, everyone complied.

The nine charged down the cliff, all on their respective horses, all looking rather ridiculous. Then they tripped, flipped, and crashed.

The five ran away, leaving the evil people/things behind and completely confused.

They ran and ran until they noticed they were entering a forest. 

"Another one?" groaned Lindo.

Chelsegorn looked around carefully. "Nope. It's the same one."

"You mean we ran in circles?" asked Katrinolas.

"No, we ran the right way. It's a crazy forest, remember. It shifts all over the place. One morning I found myself in Iraq."

The others were quite thrown off, but decided to keep going anyway.

The Forest didn't last very long, though. Soon they were out and traveling through some lovely rolling hills.

"I hate walking through hills," muttered Lindo. "Stupid stupid stupid stupid…"

Taffy adopted his mistress' mood and walked behind her sullenly.

Katrinolas liked hills; she walked happily through the wildflowers.

Chelsegorn trailed them numbly, worried about what might happen to her beloved Forest while she was away. "Stupid lumberjacks…"

Jandalf sneezed violently due to her hay fever and smacked her staff into various insects. "Go away!!! WaaaaCCCCCCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The turbulent blast of air sent the insects flying off at great speeds. Jandalf miserably popped another dozen Claritins into her mouth. "Minions of Xendor, this sucks."

Lindo was walking with her head down, so she didn't notice the watchtower until her head hit it. "Ow."

Taffy went over to mark his territory.

Katrinolas trotted up the stairs to get a better look of the countryside.

Chelsegorn started a fire inside. A _somewhat_ controlled fire.

Jandalf locked herself in one of the rooms while trying to get away from the pollen and insects.

Lindo figured out how to put the batteries in the remote.

Thus they spent about an hour. Made even longer by the fact that Lindo kept on pausing everyone and making fun of them while they were frozen. "Clickyclickyclickyclickyclicky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Then Jandalf burst out of the room and snatched the remote away. "Minions of Xendor, whaddya think you're doing!?????!!!!!!!! Don't you know that the more you use this, the more the stupid evil-in-a-bad-way minions are attracted?"

"Like a homing beacon?"

"YES!!!! I suggest you take the batteries out before you kill us all."

Suddenly Lindo gasped. "Michael Jackson! Right behind you!!'

Jandalf rolled her eyes. "Aw, come on. That's the oldest trick in the Yellow Pages. You think I'd fall for a low bluff like that?"

A microphone bashed her on the head. She collapsed. 

Lindo snatched up the remote from its new position on the floor and pointed it at Jackson, pressing _pause._

He froze in midair.

"Ha," Lindo crowed. "And this time I've got batteries!"

Then the rest of the minions surrounded the travelers remaining conscious and drew their various weapons.

Chelsegorn yelled in alarm and took out her big battle-whatsit (no one really knew what it was, including her). She swung it around recklessly, clipping off Cap'n Crunch's hat.

Katrinolas took out her bow and arrows and fired all over the place.

Taffy pissed on the minions' legs, causing great disturbances in their peace of mind.

Lindo thought of using the remote to pause them, but they wanted it and probably, in their great(er) numbers, would get it. So she ran away.

But not before punching rewind and watching Jar Jar walk backwards all the way back to the Forest of Crazy Doom. (heeheeheeheeee)

I know, I'm going nuts.


	5. In Which Lindo Sets Up Her Glorious Purp...

This next chapter is dedicated to the 3 people who have bothered giving me reviews so far: hairstixgurl, blue alien, and Gilthoniel(if you haven't changed your pen names). You guys rock!!!!

OK, so taking up where we left off:

_________________________________________________________________

An important point: Don Cherry had tripped on Jandalf's staff, causing it to roll into her hand…

*kavamm*

She disappeared, then reappeared on top of the reeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaally tall tower and woke up.

"Huh. Typical." So she sat down and waited for Fred.

But then she noticed something on the ground, so she carefully peered over the edge.

Bazillions of little hamsters were running around a lone figure, all of them squeaking. Including the figure.

It was…(scary music) Chelsea-hai (not the same one as Chelsegorn) with her army of hamster-hais! But you probably figured that out already.

"Minions of Xendor," Jandalf breathed.

They ran in pointless circles, releasing the scent of starfruit lotion from bazillions of little bottles.

It rapidly climbed into the air and reached Jandalf. She held her breath at the first detection of it, but it was too late. The not-quite-but-something-like-a-drug went into her brain and caused stuff.

Jandalf blinked as her vision went fuzzy, then dizzily got up but accidentally tumbled over the edge.

Her fall crushed several hamster-hais. Chelsea-hai looked to see what was up, and recognized Jandalf lying there. She yelled in alarm.

All the hamster-hais took up the cry and attempted to climb up the tower, but didn't quite make it. Many of them tumbled off at the 0.006152nd floor.

Jandalf moaned and got off the hamster-hais, which were in even worse shape.

Chelsea-hai screamed viciously and unintelligibly and charged. 

Jandalf got slammed against the tower wall. "Ow." She crumpled, really not having a very good day, once again unconscious.

The hamster-hais carried her into the tower to Mikumon, who was now completely enraptured with the Bowling Ball of Doom.

Mikumon waved her hand at them, not looking. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Now go away."

The hamster-hais paused for a moment, then took Jandalf off to a cell.

Lindo, meanwhile, was still running. She noticed, after a while, that her path was taking her into a range of mountains.

"Bigger hills? Stupid stupid stupid stupid…" she muttered, and slowed down, quite tired.

Taffy came panting over the last hill. "What now?"

"I dunno."

"Does that mean I get to eat kibble?"

Lindo's scream resounded through the mountains. "YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Chelsegorn and Katrinolas looked around after their work was done.

Chelsegorn sighed and put away her big battle-whatsit. "I'm hungry."

"Me too. Where should we go?"

"Um…I know!" Chelsegorn started walking off.

Katrinolas shrugged and followed her.

They soon came upon a building that was labeled The Doomed Restaurant of Crazy Crazy Burgers And Stuff.

"Yummy!" Katrinolas hurried inside.

They each ordered the #4 Death Combo of cyanide cola and arsenic Doom Burgers, with medium Funky Black Fries.

Lindo didn't find it too difficult to scale the mountains, though she grumbled about it like it was as tough as making Taffy shut up.

__

Why do I even own such a stupid dog? she wondered. _I should push him off a cliff or something._

"Oh, Taaaaffyyy," she called sweetly. "I've got some kibble for you if you shut up."

Taffy immediately closed his mouth.

"Good," she said. "Now you stay like that until the mission's over, or you'll never ever get any more kibble in your entire stink life."

Taffy made an annoyed expression, but remained silent.

Lindo happily climbed yet another mountain, enjoying the perfect silence.

Suddenly it started snowing. And snowing. And snowing.

Lindo re-entered her grumpy mood. "Stupid snow. You timed that, didn't you?" she yelled at a hapless snowflake. It melted in her warm breath.

Lindo was mildly cheered up at the prospect of killing something, but it didn't help much.

Suddenly, the snow, which was not very deep yet, gave way under her and Taffy. They fell into the new place, yelling all the way down.

That lasted for about one second, then they hit the cold stone floor with a noise that sounded remarkably like 152763 people saying *thud*.

Lindo groaned, holding her head.

Taffy snarled at a kibble-shaped stalactite.

"Ha! You talked, Taffy."

"No, I didn't. I snarled."

"Doesn't matter. You talked now."

Taffy growled.

They waited for a while. Nothing happened.

So, getting bored, Lindo set up her tent. When it was folded, she could fit it in the palm of her hand, but it unfolded to suit about 152763 Bakkins-sized people. She unfolded it and it somehow miraculously fit in the relatively narrow cavern.

Taffy followed her inside. She set up her stereo, which was connected to several enormous speakers and subwoofers, and popped in a burnt CD.

The Imperial March started playing. She did the Macarena to it for a while, then began drinking her chocolaty-chocolate flavored shampoo.

Her stomach growled low and REALLY LOUDLY. Taffy started running around in panic, thinking his mistress had eaten Chewbacca. Suddenly Lindo started burping out chocolate bubbles. 

Now, on to someone else.

Katrinolas and Chelsegorn woke up a long time later in the hotel room, each pumped full of arsenic and cyanide.

"Ahh," Chelsegorn sighed, "that was yummy."

"Are we dead?" asked Katrinolas.

"Probably."

"OK."

They lay there for another while, sighing.

Suddenly Chelsegorn violently leaped out of bed and, in one swift graceful motion, collapsed on the floor. But she got up right away, disproving any theories about deadness. "LOOKLOOKLOOKLOOK!!!!! OUT THE WINDOW!!!!" To illustrate this, she pointed at the window.

Thank you for the visual aid, Chelsegorn.

"No prob."

Katrinolas jumped in panic and looked out the window.

Chelsegorn started laughing hysterically. "AAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!! Made you look! MADE YOU LOOK!!! AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" She was profoundly delighted at this act of deception. 

Katrinolas stared at her for a moment, then, using elfin martial arts, tackled her.

"Ow," Chelsegorn complained.

But Katrinolas wasn't listening. She looked at the door.

A few scratches came to their ears, accompanied by muffled squeaks.

"Quick, out the window," Katrinolas whispered.

"Why? I wanna go back to sleep."

"Chelsea-hai's at the door. Can't you hear the hamster-hais?"

"Oh. But…that's not my name. I'm Chel-"

"I KNOW. There's another Chelsea, and she's not good and at the door."

"Wow. She's talented. OK, out the window." Chelsegorn suddenly jumped out.

Katrinolas wanted to panic, so she panicked for a few milliseconds then followed Chelsegorn out the window.

They both landed in piles upon columns upon hordes of hamster-hais.

(Aw, crap.)

Katrinolas yelled and madly fought her way out. 

Chelsegorn grabbed hamster-hais and threw them into oddly familiar rosebushes.

Oops. Wrong spoof.

(^^) (^^) (^^) Heeheeheeeee!!!!!

Ahem.

Anyway, the hamster-hais chased them for a while then the leader hamster-hai gave orders to give up because they were heavily laden with starfruit lotion bottles.

But Chelsegorn and Katrinolas kept running.

Chelsegorn: "_I'm running, and running, and running_…"

Katrinolas: "Aw, shut up."

They kept running until they found a tunnel. Bored of the present scenery, they decided, _Why not?_ So they ran into the tunnel.

It was dark and cool inside, and every now and then they would stumble over a few rosebushes.

*cough* Sorry. Anyway…

Suddenly, they came into a narrowish cavern. In it was a dark purple tent that was bigger than the cavern. How this was managed, I still don't know. Snow snowed down on the tent from a large hole in the cavern above.

Katrinolas stared at it.

Chelsegorn squinted at the tent. "I don't get it. Wait…what's that?"

They listened carefully.

"Sounds like music to me," Katrinolas said.

"It's the Imperial March. Go fig." Chelsegorn walked up to the tent's zipper door, and, looking under a nearby rosebush, found the doorbell.

__

Ding-dong. 

"Just a minute," a familiar voice yelled, then hiccuped.

__

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzziipppppppp. The door fell away from its previous placement and Lindo stared up at Chelsegorn. "What do you want?" she yelled.

Chelsegorn, feeling rather insulted at such a poor reception, uprooted the rosebush and threw it at Lindo. "Maybe that'll teach you."

"OOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THORNY THORNS!!!!!!!!! OWIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Taffy barked savagely but stayed where he was, not feeling any kind of instinctive urge to protect his mistress (as usual).

Lindo managed to pull all the thorns out and away and glared up at Chelsegorn. "Now you die."

"Wait!" Katrinolas yelled. "Don't you guys remember? We've gotta keep the Fellowship of the Remote Control."

"_Her_ control's remote," remarked Chelsegorn, indicating the fuming Lindo.

"Shut up," growled Lindo, giving her a stare of DEATH.

"You shut up."

"_You_ shut up."

"_You _shut up."

"SHUT UP!!!!!" yelled Katrinolas.

Lindo sulked but remained silent.

Chelsegorn looked around for another rosebush.

So…am I getting better? Worse? Please tell me, I'm anxious to hear from you! Well, nothing like grovelling at your feet or anything…besides that, it's not really possible to physically grovel over an Internet connection…

Right. 


	6. In Which Our Heroines Wander In The Real...

Whoo!! Finally, I got the missing chapter. Here it is.

Jandalf awoke in her cell.

"The floor is cold, the floor is hard," she muttered. "If I'd my way, you would be charred."

The entire room instantly turned black. 

"Oops." _Oh, well. At least it reflects my mood, _she thought.

And her staff was gone, too. She sat up and looked out the huge bay window to the forest below.

__

Huge bay window? She chortled. Mikumon was maybe too caught up with interior décor.

With a yell, she lashed out at the window with her foot. The entire thing shattered.

She giggled at the simplicity of it all and leaped out.

__

Mistake.

She gazed down past her feet at the ground, 152763 stories under her feet. She sighed sardonically. "Minions of Xendor. This has _got _to be my day."

In midair, she remembered her spare staff in her pocket. She pulled it out quickly, and, with a wave of the staff…

*kavamm*

Chelsegorn and Lindo and Katrinolas still stood in a circle of not-so-friendly friends, glaring heatedly at each other, when something orange plummeted out of the sky and landed on Lindo's tent.

"Ow," said Jandalf. "Minions of Xendor, I am _bad_ at locating, aren't I?"

"Why do you keep saying that?" Chelsegorn asked.

"What, minions of Xendor? It's a habit, I guess. Hey, guys, next time you're imprisoned at Mikumon's tower, remember to ask for a cell that has a bay window."

"A _what_?" Lindo said. "That's ridiculous."

Jandalf shrugged, now sitting up.

Lindo looked down at her formerly gloriously large tent. "You landed on my tent."

"I noticed." Jandalf got off and _kavammed_ it back up to its former purple glory.

"MWAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! I AM THE ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY!!!!!!!" screamed Lindo, now positive she could rule Bottom-Earth from such a magnificent and glorious tent.

"Minions of Xendor, don't you ever shut up?" muttered Jandalf. "Okay, look. We've got to get out of this cave sometime or another, so let's go NOW."

The other four muttered and pouted but Lindo put away her tent, Chelsegorn her rosebushes and they all started out of the cave.

Katrinolas and Chelsegorn insisted on not going back the way the two had come in because it was far too boring, so they all went the opposite way…deep into the heart of Somewhere Unimportant…

Lindo counted the stalactites as they passed them. "152762, 152763…"

Suddenly the small tunnel expanded into a hugely vast and very large place with lots and lots of funky-looking pillars.

"Ooooooooo," everyone said.

"This," said Jandalf, "is the domain of Somewhere Unimportant."

"What's its' name?" asked Katrinolas.

"Somewhere Unimportant. By Xendor's minions, please don't ask." Jandalf banged her staff down on the floor. "Oh, come on…" She whacked it more forcefully. "Minions of Xendor, FUNCTION!!!" She nearly splintered it on the third blow.

The top of the staff began to glow and lit up the immediate area.

"There," she said, satisfied. "These spares never work the first time. Well, come on. There's nothing to be afraid of in Somewhere Unimportant."

They followed her silently.

Lindo began quietly counting pillars. "152762, 152763…"

Chelsegorn took on a mischievous glint in her eye, and suddenly belted out, "I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERRRRRVES…"

"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!" everyone else yelled.

SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, said the echo.

"Well, it worked," said Chelsegorn proudly.

"Ssssshhhh," warned Jandalf in a whisper. "We're not alone." She pointed to a strange bluish light some distance ahead.

Chelsegorn and Lindo drew their swords. Katrinolas readied her bow. Taffy piddled on a pillar.

Jandalf gripped her staff and pointed it at whoever…or whatever…was out there. "Hello?" she shouted.

The bluish wand waved and someone shouted back, "Hello, we're lost, can you help?"

Everyone looked at each other and shrugged, and started for the stranger(s).

"Master, can we trust them?" whispered Anakin.

"Quiet, my Padawan," Obi-Wan warned. "It will have to do."

The odd group approached and saw two men, one with a weird blue glowstick. The one with the glowstick, the one who had hailed them, bowed formally. "I believe my apprentice and I have taken a wrong turn; do you know the way back to Coruscant?"

Jandalf lifted an eyebrow. "Where?" _Dang it, haven't I heard that name before?_

"Coruscant," Obi-Wan repeated. "Where are we now?"

"Somewhere Unimportant," Jandalf replied.

Anakin rolled his eyes. "Well, that helps. Do you have a map or not?"

"Patience, Anakin," Obi-Wan interrupted.

"We haven't got a map," said Lindo. "Heck, I don't even know where in Bottom-Earth we are, anyway."

"I told you," Jandalf said, exasperated, "Somewhere Unimportant."

Anakin stared at Lindo. "Sithspawn, you're short."

Obi-Wan sharply elbowed his Padawan learner. "That fact does not warrant profanity, Anakin. Where are your manners?"

"Uh, I mean, not that that's a bad thing," Anakin directed at Lindo.

Lindo just snarled at him. 

Obi-Wan sighed. "Well, since we're nowhere important…"

"Somewhere Unimportant," Jandalf cut in.

"Does it matter?"

"Minions of Xendor, of course it does," she replied, quite irritated. "You can't get the bloody name wrong, man."

Anakin's eyes flashed. "Hey, I…hey! Stop peeing on my boot," he yelled at Taffy, and gave him a light kick.

"NOBODY KICKS MY STUPID DOG," Lindo shrieked. "NOW YOU DIE!!!!!!!!"

Anakin activated his lightsaber just in time as Lindo viciously swung her sword at him. The metal was severed in half. Lindo stared in shock at her now-quite-blunt battlesword. "Now look what you've done," she yelled.

Obi-Wan grabbed Anakin's dangling braid.

"Owowowow, let go, Master, please," he howled.

"I think we need to pay another visit to the Council, Anakin," the Jedi master growled. He turned to the others. "Excuse us." Still holding Anakin by the braid, Obi-Wan led the wincing Padawan to their nearby bright yellow speeder, where Obi-Wan began to upbraid (giggle) Anakin for his recent behavior.

Lindo picked up the other half of her sword and pushed the two together, since the cut was still hot. The two halves soldered together to form a very odd-looking, crooked sword. "Idiot. Now I gotta go and get me a new scabbard."

Jandalf was musing to herself and as the speeder lifted off, she called, "Wait! Did you say Coruscant?"

"Yes," yelled Obi-Wan over the side. "Do you know where it is from here?"

"I think that's the place that I kavammed Yoda to. Do you guys know him?"

"Yes, we do…what do you mean, kavamm?" he shouted.

Jandalf, in response, raised her staff and held it horizontally. "Um, guys, what rhymes with Coruscant?"

"Font," said Chelsegorn.

"Haunt," said Katrinolas.

"Want," said Lindo.

"KIBBLES!!!" said Taffy. Lindo promptly gave him another kick.

Jandalf furrowed her brow. "Okay…let's see…The Kibbles that Haunt, We Want the Right Font, Send These Two back to Coruscant."

The speeder and its occupants disappeared with a bright flash.

"Minions of Xendor, it worked!" she crowed. 

"How come you can locate anyone but yourself?" asked Lindo.

Jandalf rolled her eyes. "It's a working progress, okay?"

Lindo shrugged. "Whatever. Hey, is that a McDonald's over there?"

Everyone looked over. Sure enough, a friendly yellow M shone bright and clear through the darkness.

Chelsegorn shuddered. "_I'm_ not eating there."

Everyone exchanged glances.

Jandalf shook her head. "McDonald's food cuts down on my powers."

Lindo shrugged again and headed for the sign, Taffy in tow.

"Do you have a _death wish?_" Chelsegorn yelled.

Katrinolas simply wrinkled her nose and took out some lembas bread. "Personally, I think this is more appetizing."

"Got any more of that?" asked Jandalf.

"Me, too," said Chelsegorn.

Fortunately, Katrinolas liked to come prepared and, while her quiver held limitless arrows, the zippered pocket on the quiver held limitless lembas. So the three pigged out as well as one can pig out on lembas bread.

Lindo went up to the counter. "Hey, you," she yelled up at the cashier, who looked remarkably like an overgrown spider.

"Yesssssss?" said the cashier, whose nametag read, _Shelob._

"I want Combo #3, preferably edible, and my dog will have kibbles."

"Kibblessssssss?" asked Shelob.

"Dog food pellets."

"Ahh, we have no kibblesssssssss. Doggie like bacon?"

Taffy perked up. "I like bacon, bacon's good, yes, very good, I like it a lot, especially when it comes with more bacon, yes, it's very very yummy, I like it."

Shelob scuttled to the back.

A loud scream could be heard.

Shelob came back out with lots of bacon and Combo #3.

"What was that?" inquired Lindo.

"Burgerman not keep up. Burgerman never keep up again. Shelob isssss manager."

"Good for you," said Lindo, and grabbed the food.

"Pay now."

"Uh…in what?"

"You gots any fliesssss?" Shelob hissed.

"Not at the moment. But I gots a dog. You want him?"

"Hmmmm…Too much fur, not enough taste. Gots any gold?"

Lindo flipped Shelob a gold coin, not feeling in the mood to barter with a large, hungry-looking spider. "Keep the change." She wandered back to the others with her combo, Taffy slobbering over the bacon.

"ARE YOU MAD???!!!???!!" Jandalf yelled as Lindo approached, sucking away at her straw. Jandalf grabbed her shoulders and gave her a shake. "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO THAT WAS???!!?? DID THE PERIL OF YOUR SITUATION NEVER OCCUR TO YOU???!!!!??! MINIONS OF XENDOR!!!" Then she calmed down (a bit). "You're the Remote Bearer, Lindo. You've _got_ to be more careful."

Lindo shrugged, emptying her drink.

"This way," Jandalf muttered, turning around and heading off, her cloak sweeping the ground.

They followed her, somewhat afraid to say anything, except for Lindo, who was just being obstinate, and annoying, and short.

"Why in Bottom-Earth must _I_ be the responsible one?" the wizard grumbled under her breath, walking briskly.

Far ahead, the hugely vast and very big cavern ended at a wall with a small doorway. Jandalf resolutely headed for this in silence.

Behind her back, Chelsegorn, Katrinolas, and Lindo were having fun imitating her gait. 

A few giggles gave them away and Jandalf abruptly halted. They banged into her back and she turned around, still not having a wonderful day. She yelled something at them in Huttese (they were positive the last phrase was "minions of Xendor") and turned back around.

As the doorway loomed up, they found it was not quite as small as they had thought, and easily passed through, the lintel high above their heads (especially Lindo's).

On the other side was a very narrow bridge. Chelsegorn gasped as she saw her beloved crazy doomed forest carpeting the sides of the cliffs. "Ha, I _told_ you it shifted." 

Katrinolas sighed, then something caught her eye. Someone was running toward them. "Hey, who's that?"

Jandalf wheeled around to look, then her eyes widened. "Quick, over the bridge. It's the Susrog!!"

They ran over the bridge as quickly as they could without falling off. Once everyone had made it, Jandalf turned to the rapidly approaching form…too late. The Susrog smashed into her, yelling something about t-shirts. The two hurtled off the edge of the cliff.

"She _is_ having a bad day," Katrinolas mused as they watched the rapidly disappearing pair.

So, there you go.

BTW, my other pseudonym on this site is Jandalf the Orange…surprise, surprise. So visit the other me and check out the new spoof I'll be posting under that name, in which I shall be inserting Star Wars characters into Lord of the Rings, making a rather chaotic story, all in all. But read the rest of LotC first; Lindo, Chelsegorn and I will be making appearances in the above mentioned new spoof.


	7. In Which the Susrog Falls Off a Cliff, J...

Yay! Chapter six:

It was a strange thing, hurtling past the tops of trees that one had formerly walked through, Jandalf thought. She turned to the Susrog somehow. "Did you have to do that?"

The Susrog nodded and grinned. "As you know, I'm the demon of Somewhere Unimportant. I gotta turn away any…what's the word?" She explored her limited vocabulary unsuccessfully.

"Intruders?" offered Jandalf.

"Yeah. I gotta. You know, it's just my job."

Jandalf sighed. "Great. Well, at least I'll get to change into something white," she said, looking at her orange, now rather dirty, robes.

And they kept hurtling down till they splashed into a small city's pool and caused a major disturbance among the citizens of Winkler, Manitoba, Canada, North America, Earth, Earth System, Galactic Sector A, the Milky Way.

Chelsegorn emerged from the tunnel into the mountains. "_More _mountains?"

Katrinolas came out right behind her. "Look, it's a valley down there."

Lindo and Taffy came out once she had found a wastebasket to dispose of her garbage. "Oh, look, a valley."

"That's what I just said," snapped Katrinolas.

"Big deal." Lindo headed down to it.

Katrinolas and Chelsegorn looked at each other, then followed Lindo, Taffy close behind.

They gradually came into a different forest, with odd-looking trees. The four looked up at the trees, thinking that they looked like they didn't belong on this planet. Or in this story, for that matter.

A high-pitched yell suddenly came from the canopies. A small green form fell off of a branch somewhere, and came to the ground with a _thump_.

The four winced.

The green…whatever it was…stood up and brushed himself off. Then he noticed the group and dashed behind a tree. "You didn't see anything," he yelled.

Lindo walked around the tree. "You look oddly familiar."

"How would _you _know, you slimy Earthanoid?! Speak with respect when you talk to the _best_ invader in the Irkan Armada!!!!!!!! I AM ZIM!!!!!!!!!!!"

Lindo stared at him for a second, then punched him square in the face. He howled and glared at her.

"I'm not HUMAN!" she yelled. "I'm a HOBBIT!!! GET IT THROUGH YOUR BIG GREEN HEAD!!!"

"I don't have a big head," he pouted. "That's _Dib's_ head."

"DIE!!!!" She punched him again, and he fell into the tree's cavity, yelling his big green head off.

"Come on," she said to the others, and kept walking into the thickening plot…I mean, forest. 

Suddenly a bright white light shone through the trees at a point somewhere ahead. Taffy was drawn to it like a mosquito to a bug zapper.

"Dumb dog," Lindo muttered, and followed him.

"Dumb hobbit," Chelsegorn muttered, and followed her.

"Dumb human," Katrinolas muttered, and followed all three of them.

It was Jandalf, trying to tug her cloak free from a briar bush. "Oh, hi, guys."

"Wait," said Lindo. "You're not Jandalf. You're not orange."

"Jandalf? Yes, that's what they used to call me. I changed, okay?" Jandalf said, exasperated. "Well, I died, too, but that's beside the point. I also saw lots of pretty stars. But that's _also_ beside the point."

"What's the point?!" they yelled simultaneously.

"I was getting to that." She finally tugged her cloak free and began picking the thorns out of it. "Minions of Xendor."

"Okay, I'm convinced now," said Lindo.

Jandalf glared at her. "What was I saying? Oh, right. The point: Sore-on-my-head's house is in this valley. Actually, I think we're in his backyard."

"That would explain the yard gnome," said Chelsegorn, mistakenly pointing to Lindo.

Lindo pounced at her but slammed into an invisible wall. Jandalf glared at her again. "No more of that right now. We're close to accomplishing our goal. Now, if you'll wait just a minute…" Jandalf took out her cell phone and dialed a number. "Hello. Yeah, it's me… Where are you?…Oh, okay…yeah, that would be good…see you." She hung up.

"Who was that?" asked Katrinolas.

"Shadowfax. He has this uncanny connection to phone lines. I'll never understand it. Anyway…here he comes."

A large white horse came galloping down the slope. He slowed down and came to a halt in front of them, coughing violently.

"I thought I told you to quit smoking," scolded Jandalf.

Shadowfax whinnied despondently.

"I do not smoke," she replied indignantly, "and you know it. Minions of Xendor, why does everyone automatically associate wizards with tobacco pipes? Here, have a patch." She took out a horse-sized nicotine patch and stuck it on Shadowfax. "Okay, people, hop on."

Somehow, like Lindo's tent in the cavern, they all fit on the horse's back.

Jandalf whistled a tune while they rode, and, moments later, she found she had accidentally attracted at least five dozen horses, who trotted along behind them.

"Minions of Xendor," she muttered, and waved them off. "Shoo, go away."

The horses, confused, scattered into the foliage.

Lindo, on a whim, tapped Jandalf's shoulder.

"Yes?"

"Are you human?"

"Uh…actually, I don't know."

Lindo seemed rather taken aback. "Why not? How can you not know?"

Jandalf shrugged. "All I know is, I'm a wizard. I'm fairly sure Mikumon and I are in the same boat, though. We've actually debated the issue several times."

"Oh." Lindo seemed somewhat confused, an easy goal to accomplish for any wizard. 

There actually were several yard gnomes, many of them looking oddly like Lindo clones. Either that, or they were carrying machine guns. Guerrilla yard gnomes?

"It just screams 'Zim was here'," muttered Jandalf. "We're getting closer. Anyone not want to go in Sore-on-my-head's house? It's going to be freaky, I can promise you that."

Taffy jumped off Shadowfax.

"Chicken," said Lindo.

Taffy ignored her but went over to piddle on a Lindo-yard gnome.

She scowled at him.

Chelsegorn hopped off to keep Taffy company and pulled Katrinolas after her.

"Hey!" said Katrinolas. "Who said I don't want to go? I've been there before!"

"Who says you did want to go?" said Chelsegorn.

"Me, duh. Let go."

"Fine." 

Katrinolas swung back up. "Well, what are we waiting for?"

Shadowfax took the hint and cantered off.

Chelsegorn grabbed Taffy's paw and swung him around. "Wheeeeeeee!!!!!!"

OK, I'm almost done posting the story, obviously. But there shall be a sequel…


	8. In Which I Run Out Of Title Ideas

OK…stay with me. We're almost done.

The trees cleared to reveal a large black house. Other than the color, it looked remarkably like a summer cabin.

Katrinolas hopped off. "I can show you to the home theatre. The halls are a bit confusing."

Lindo and Jandalf followed her closely.

The halls were indeed confusing, winding around like Martha Stewart's garden hose. Dust had gathered everywhere from being left alone so long, and the passage was pitch-black. They were forced to use Jandalf's staff for illumination.

She hammered the ground with it and screeched, "WORKWORKWORKWORK!!!!"

It worked.

She wiped her forehead and sighed. "There. Where now?"

Katrinolas pointed at a door. "That's it," she whispered. 

"Maybe you'd better stay out here, where he can't see you," Jandalf whispered back. "If he does, he might go into a hissy fit and that's something we can't afford right now."

Katrinolas nodded and stayed put.

Lindo slowly, carefully, opened the door.

Eerie breathing resounded inside. Lindo's eyes grew large. She pulled the Sony remote out of her pocket and stuck it into the room.

The breathing paused for a moment, then deep, evil laughter filled the air. "AA-

HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!" Then, as abruptly as it had begun, it ended, and the breathing resumed. "You may enter," said the forbidding, mechanical voice.

Lindo entered and saw a tall black figure standing before her. She looked up…wayyy up…

Darth Vader looked down at her. "What do you want?"

She held up the remote.

He took it up and turned it over in his black-gloved hands, inspecting it. "A well-built remote control, young hobbit. However," he gestured to the huge screen at the end of the room, "I am just as capable of manipulating satellite channels with the Force. It's enough motivation, anyway, watching WTN."

"And you untaped yourself?" Jandalf couldn't help but put in.

Vader paused, then pointed at the wall to which he had previously been taped. A large section of it had been torn out. "A little…uh…remodeling. Anyway…want some popcorn?"

Lindo was speechless, then she snapped out of her trance. "What the heck? This is all screwed up, or something. I was expecting a death-mask, or something—"

The Sith lord looked insulted. "Then whaddya call this, huh?" 

Lindo eyed him suspiciously. "Well, you're not exactly the Unblinking Eye, are you?"

Under his mask, Vader blushed sheepishly and muttered something incoherently.

"What's that?"

"I said, it's…it's just a hologram I put up to scare people. Fun while it lasted, I guess. You can go now, if you want."

****

THE END

Just kidding!!!!! I wouldn't leave you with such a typically British ending.

Lindo turned around, disgusted, and left. 

Jandalf paused, then held the door open. "Question."

Vader looked at her. "Shoot."

"Huh? Why?"

"It's just an expression. Go ahead."

"Oh. OK. Anyway…if you had no need of a remote, why did you send out your nine horrible creatures to look for it?"

"Nine horrible creatures? Oh, right." Vader took out a CB and pressed **talk**. 

"Waassuuuupp," came the crackling voice of Big Bird. 

"You can quit looking now."

"OK." Big Bird turned off the transmission.

"Guess I forgot about them," the Sith Lord remarked as he put away the CB.

"Forgot? **_Forgot? _**You just **_FORGOT??!!!????_** **_DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW CLOSE WE CAME TO DEATH JUST BECAUSE OF THOSE STUPID…THINGS??!!!? MINIONS OF XENDOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_** Jandalf stormed out.

Darth Vader, now speechless, just stood and stared at the spot she had previously occupied. "Spawn of a bantha."

Outside, the large hologram of the Unblinking Eye flickered and changed to a big yellow happy face.

Jandalf slammed the screen door behind her and, storming back into the forest, tripped on a crazy doomed root.

"YYYYYYYYYaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!" exclaimed Chelsegorn. "My forest shifted all the way here!!! Just for me!!!!!!" She hugged the nearest tree, which happened to be a Douglas fir. "OWOWOWOWOWOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! Stupid forest." 

"Well," said Jandalf, turning around so she was in front of everyone, "I think we could all agree that this was a rather pointless trip in which I managed to get myself killed for nothing."

They all nodded.

"Shall we return to the Mire?"

They all nodded again.

"Okay…what rhymes with Mire?"

"Fire," said Chelsegorn.

"Choir," said Katrinolas.

"Liar," said Lindo.

"KIBBLES!!" screeched Taffy, who promptly got another kick from Lindo.

"Uhh…okay…lessee…Ah." Jandalf straightened up and held her staff horizontally. "Kibbles on Fire, a Liar in a Choir, Send Us All right back to the Mire."

*kavamm*

The whole party reappeared in Lindo's home in the Mire, Bake End. 

Lindo sighed and sat down in her purple and black striped bean-bag chair.

Katrinolas took off her quiver and sat cross-legged by the hearth.

Chelsegorn contemplated the meaning of life.

Taffy ran over to his kibbles bowl and crunched away.

"Huh, I knew something would go wrong," remarked the air just behind Lindo's seat.

The hobbit jumped and looked around. "Jandalf?"

"Right behind you. I turned myself invisible."

Lindo waved her hand around in the air until it brushed against a staff. "What the…"

Jandalf sighed heavily. "What rhymes with visible?"

****

THE ACTUAL END

Credits:

Narration: me

Editing: me

Lindo: portrayed by a friend

Chelsegorn: portrayed by another friend

Katrinolas: portrayed by _another_ friend

Mikumon: portrayed by _another_ another friend

Chelsea-hai: portrayed by yet another friend (dude, I'm popular)

The Susrog: portrayed by yet another _another another_ friend

Jandalf: portrayed by me

Taffy: portrayed by my friend's dog

Victim of Writer's Block: me

Supplier of Wisdom: thesaurus

Supplier of Energy: chocolate

Supplier of Annoyance: Lindsay

Supplier of Text: Microsoft Word

Supplier of Microsoft Word: Microsoft

Supplier of Microsoft: Bill Gates

Supplier of Bill Gates: his mom

Supplier of Credits: me

Supplier of the English Language: some really smart guy in the distant past

Everything Else: me

…

…

…

…

Thank you for reading Lord of the Clings and be sure to stop by our gift shop for all sorts of cheap useless junk with our name on it.

…

Disclaimer: Just about all the above material is derived from the genius of either J. R. R. Tolkien, George Lucas, Douglas Adams, or Jhonen Vasquez.

…

Lindo: Are they done yet?

Chelsegorn: I think so.

Katrinolas: Anyone want some lembas bread?

Jandalf: Minions of Xendor.

Taffy: I want KIBBLES!!!!!!

Lindo: Shut up, Taffy.

Taffy: But I WANT KIBBLES!!!!!!

Lindo: SHUT UP AND THEN MAYBE YOU'LL GET SOME!!!!!!!!

Taffy: OK.

Jandalf: I said, does anyone know anything that rhymes with visible?!

Chelsegorn: Invisible?

Jandalf: Grrrrrrr. This isn't funny.

Everyone else: *smothered giggles*

Jandalf: Do you want me to turn you into something repulsive?

Chelsegorn: *looks at Lindo* Too late. Heeheeheeheeheeeeeeeee!!!!

Lindo: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!

__

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. *static static*

...

...

*kavamm*

Jandalf: Oh, crap. Where am I now?

Chewbacca: Urrrrraour? Uuuurrffurfurfurf!!!

Jandalf: Quit laughing at me! Minions of Xendor! What are you anyway, a hobbit on steroids?!?!

Han: *****yells from the back* Chewie, who're you talking to? Did you sneak someone into the cockpit again?

Jandalf: *grumbles* Hey, you, can you tell me what rhymes with Bottom-Earth? 

...

OH, great. I promised you guys a sequel, didn't I? Actually, I'm working on it. It'll be called Lindostiltskin. More random insanity, I hope.


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